I was looking forward to my first ever London Marathon

until last week when I received an e-mail cancelling my B&B. Evidently it was double booked.

I was offered alternative accommodation in….Scarborough!

No seriously, it was offered in Ilford, but it might as well have been Scarborough. The only accommodation now available is a room above a Chinese takeaway in Bethnal Green, or a pad in Kensington for £650 with a personal lap dancer thrown in! I asked how much without the lap dancer and they said £645. (I didn’t know lap dancers were so expensive!). All the bus shelters and park benches are also full.

So does anyone know a friend of a friend of a friend who can bunk me up for the Saturday night??

I’m willing to pay the going rate. Is it still £3-17-6d B.B.E.M.? You all know I’m totally harmless (and totally legless after 8 pints). I’m open to suggestions – within reason Willyboy!

Arthur